Most importantly for our purposes, though, is the fact that ‘deipnosophy’
is in itself a brilliant word to trot out at a dinner party.
In this edition of Shebang we have:
- The Introduction
- Which you happen to be reading at this
moment.
- Don’t lie - this is what you are
reading right now.
- Three notes about Wine
- The Vinification Process
- The Microclimate
- Genetically Modified Wines
- A revolting item about some of the terrible
things people eat
- Avoid it if you are squeamish
- Don’t try it at home
SUPPERSTARDOM
We shall be talking about all meals, from power breakfasts and ladies’
lunches through to banquets,
from the buffeting of buffets to the delights of dining à deux.
There is no denying that the evening meal is a most important one for
our consideration, and
excelling at it is something many aspire to do.
Oscar Wilde’s work has been said to have been worked out while he
chatted away at
mealtimes. Johnson, or those who took lunch at the Algonquin Club in New
York and
so many other performers added to the legend about them by being sharp
at the table.
The cut and thrust of argument and talk — ‘chewing the fat’
— isn’t just a light practice, though; it was most important
to Socrates, the midwife’s son, at the birth of Western Civilisation.
Feasts are often
crucial to religion.
It was over a meal that Churchill and Stalin divided up Europe, and they
were
not the first or the last politicians to exercise power during din-dins.
Nor was Othello the only man
ever to woo a woman over the food and the wine.
Suppertime is special because it occurs as day moves into night. We can
all allow ourselves
a change from real-life to the romantic, and hard-working minds may allow
themselves to move from the mundane to the marvellous.
OUR INTENTION SUMMED UP IN TWO SENTENCES
We
are fed up with all those programmes on TV teaching people how to cook,
and all those
glossy tomes full of ridiculously ornate recipes which are taking up precious
space in bookshops.
As W.S. Gilbert herumphed, what goes on the table is not nearly as
important as who goes on
the chairs, and what goes on between them.
COMPANY
Perhaps
what we are being told is that joys come at a price.
It is one of life’s great pleasures to sit down with people and eat
with them
The very words ‘company’ and ‘companion’ come from
the Latin for ‘a person with whom we share
bread’.
As we go along we shall pay attention to fellowship, but what we are really
interested in is
conversation. We are not the first people to point out that the fate of
the world hinges upon our ability to talk to each other and — more
importantly — to listen.
TABLE TALK
We shall help your hair to stay in place as the zeitgeist blows.
What is stopping you from joining the chattering classes?
This is a revolutionary project. Diners of the world join up. And make
one lumpy,
well-informed diner.
AN OUTLINE OF ALL KNOWLEDGE
Ernst Mach stated that 1904 was the last year during which it was
possible for one person to have a good knowledge of all subjects.
You may have the right to remain silent if you are being arrested. Strong
silent types may in theory
be talked of as being attractive.
He who knows speaks
He who does not know, keeps silent.
BUT, having said all that....
If you say absolutely nothing at a dinner party you might make people
feel uncomfortable,
and you might be considered stupid. There are two connotations of the
word ‘dumb’
THE PETER SELLERS SYNDROME
During the nineteen-sixties the comic actor Peter Sellers was so concerned
about his lack of
rounded knowledge that his secretary would be standing by in his study
while he went off to a
dinner party
When a difficult subject came up he would phone and ask her to look the
topic up in an
encyclopaedia so that he could have something to say.
It is our aim to help you contradict Ernst Mach and to avoid the Peter
Sellers Syndrome.
RITUALS AND SYMBOLS
The table presents a kind of stage.
Summit conferences, boardroom meetings, important television interviews
and a whole host of other
life and livelihood-threatening occasions take place around a table.
The notion of fasting and feasting plays an important part in religion.
The Roman Emperor Nero, the author Anthony Burgess, and scores of others
have stated firmly that THE entire cosmos is there, as we sit and dine
The dark environment around the table is the Universe. The candles light
exclude all the rest, and concentrate on our Earth. It is argued that
the history of this planet ad a reconstruction through custom, habit and
taste of our own planet’s past. Placed before us we have some molten
mixture, or primeval soup, followed by creatures that swim, run and fly,
as well as everything that grows in the earth. The dessert? The summit
of human creativity, a progression from simple cuisine to ornate sweetness.
THE HIERARCHY OF NEEDS
Being able to enjoy a luxury pudding also shows how far one might
have progressed up the
hierarchy of needs.
In many civilisations, fatness is not regarded as ugly, but a sign of
opulence and
safety, so that a plump person would be a good catch.
We tend to be rather sceptical about statistics, and in this case the
way they have been derived is
less than clear.
There is supposed to be a clear correlation within these published figures.
1 billion of the earth’s inhabitants are defined as ‘starving’
1 billion of the earth’s inhabitants are defined as ‘obese’
[President Clinton said it all depends on what ‘is’ is. In those
statistics it all depends on how
‘defined’ is defined.]
Still, many of the world’s inhabitants at this moment are desperately
trying to slim and to deny
themselves food for the lack of which other inhabitants are dying.
One of our favourite cartoons showed a couple in a restaurant being asked
by the waiter:
Would Madame and Monsieur like to feel guilty about the starving millions
before or after
coffee?’
CHILDREN
As the book progresses we shall be reconsidering the expression ‘
Children should be seen
and not heard.
Also, now that we are supposed to be well-informed about the world, children
are often told to
eat up because people are starving somewhere else.
One child we know simply said to his Mummy, ‘Name one.’ It is
hard for them to identify.
Another issue with which children have to deal at mealtimes is that it
is hard for them
to understand what ‘good behaviour’ is.
Grown-ups seem to enjoy free conversation, hilarity and often a great
deal of uncontrolled
lolling about fuelled by wine. So what are ‘table manners’,
and what does it mean to ‘behave’?
Mothers in particular believe that it is when we gather to eat we are
bringing our young ones
into a culture and a civilisation. And they are right. Immature Daddies
and mad uncles are
convinced that children are on earth in order to have the most fun, the
most laughter and the wildest delight
imaginable. And they are right too.
As in all things, some kind of balance needs to be found, especially since
a child charging about
or screaming with laughter is always in danger of falling or choking.
Also, children are aware that a mother’s breast can be a source of
nourishment, that they have The graduated from pap to eating the same
food as the grown-ups, and that they can test a
number of questions in their lives, to do with love, status, power, safety
and nourishment in all
senses.. Adults and children do enjoy different tastes; but a refusal
to eat may also be an
expression of discontent or rebellion. As the book progresses we shall
take a look at what are
called ‘eating disorders’
DO NOT GO NAKED INTO THE
DINING ROOM
Eating in someone else’s home is a rather intimate thing to
do, from a variety of points of
view.
It is also an occasion that is fraught with dangers. History is full of
accounts of poisonings and
ambushes.
Serious writers and naff TV presenters alike are fond of pointing out
the connections between the
words ‘host’, ‘hospitality’ and ‘hostility’.
We all know how aggressive mealtimes can be; simmering anger is one of
the fearful
aspects of Christmas and of a range of family and traditional meals attended
by families all
over the world.
The food itself is chopped, mashed, sliced, carved, mangled, skewered
and scorched.
Glass and weaponry is close by. It can be heavy.
We are not all that relaxed when we eat with people
We want to impress, to be included, not to be embarrassed.
In many senses we want not to be exposed.
One can be naked and still have one’s clothes on. One can nude and
still not be exposed.
Mealtimes, especially evening meals, can involve wonderful dances of charm,
desire and lust,
even when people are sitting still.
In our next edition, among the subjects we will talk about involves one
of the most delicious
words in the English language: FLIRTING
But, as promised it is time to talk about wine.
We declared that recipe books and cookery programmes are objectionable.
We don’t feel QUITE the same about wine. It can be helpful to know
a bit. It may be
bad form to talk shop, and boring to talk about the food apart making
‘mm’ sounds and saying something polite, like ‘delicious’
In some cases it might be worth being able to hold forth on the subject
of wine without embarrassing yourself by making any remarks about the
wine you are drinking at that moment. Very risky.
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